How do you get to that point? What do you say to a person who is hurting? Do you shower them with love and support? Fill them with false confidences to make them feel better about the situation? What really works?

Each person is different and each person moves on at their own pace. But I often wonder if we are unable to move on because we are so disconnected from what happened in the relationship and are reveling in what is left as a result…For example, you are so caught up in your feelings during the relationship that you are selfish in not wondering or thinking about how your partner, friend or family is feeling. You are seeking gratification for yourself, rather than gratification and understanding for the relationship.  We all are easily self-absorbed. We want what we want and we will do what we need to take it, but at what price?

The cost of a relationship…

I am learning that relationships are like a transaction. You give something, to receive something, that ends with both parties feeling fulfilled.

Why do we forget this so easily? We get caught up in taking, receiving, demanding more and more but are we doing our part to complete the transaction? Are we acknowledging the other parties needs in this exchange?

The price you pay in a relationship…

Each person is unique in the skills or gifts they can bring to a relationship. You are paying out what you can because it is all that you have. What do you do when you are unable to pay or give out anymore than what you have, in exchange for what you want to receive?

Literal example:You go to a restaurant and you order to your stomach and hearts desire. The bill comes and you realize you do not have enough money and cannot pay for it. Most times you need to either: A) come up with the money, B) Work off your debt and/or C) Next time not be so gluttonous.  As a result you are indebted to the restaurant and the only way to complete the transaction is to work it off in the kitchen to make things right. Would you rather bow your head in shame and “dine-and-dash” or will you do what is required to pay your bill and make things right?

Relationship example: You want your partner to listen to you and understand what you are saying. But when they don’t understand what you are seeking or are unaware of what you want to receive, they are unable to give you what you need. People need options to understand what you are seeking and what they can give you back or in exchange for, in this example, a successful relationship. The person seeking understanding and listening needs to let their partner know and understand what it is they need for the transaction to be complete, successful.

Whether that be:

“I need you to ask more questions, if you do not understand what I am asking.”

“I need you to avoid feeling attacked or take my request personally to seek clearer understanding.”

“I want us to talk more about our feelings so that I do not feel isolated.”

“I just need you to hug me and tell me you understand I feel a particular way. You do not need to feel the same way, just show compassion.”

“I just need to be reminded that you love me and you can show that by listening.”

These are all rational requests and each person is different. But this way of thinking is so easy to forget because we are always looking out for numero uno: ourselves. We are always wanting maximum and instant gratification without paying a price or giving someone something in return.

Transaction completed…

The point I’m trying to make is that everyone at some point or another will have successful and unsuccessful relationships. Moving on hurts when you are unsuccessful because we feel that it reflects negatively on our abilities to succeed and make someone happy or reach an understanding. And/0r that you just plain love the person to death and don’t want to let them go.  At the end of the day it is up to you to decide if you are willing to pay the price to make your relationship or transaction successful. Is that person valuable enough to you to find a way to pay out the price in exchange for the long-lasting result or relationship?

That is only up to you. So my advice to the broken-hearted is: “If you are willing to pay and receive what you and your friend, family or partner are seeking in a relationship and there is a chance the other party is willing to assist in completing the transaction or reciprocate your needs, then you can work on mastering the aspects of what will make your relationship or transaction successful. If either party doesn’t value the other enough to work toward this goal, you are better off finding another person with better skills to give what the relationship or transaction needs to be completed.”

These aren’t the magical words that will make your heart feel better, trust me, I know that. But if you really want a Chanel bag, why would you settle for a knock-off, right?  And if you can’t afford a Chanel bag, it doesn’t mean that you can’t work towards making that a reality and eventually have what it takes to get one. You give what you can and work on what you can to make something happen. Relationships are the same way.

Kevin, you are my Chanel bag. <3

Today someone said something to me that hurt worse than a slap to the face or a punch in the eye ever could.  It caught me off guard, it infuriated me, it made me cry, but worse it made me so sad.  I am by no means perfect, everyday is a battle, I’m cursed with a lot of estrogen, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I’ve got quite the temper, and I’m really sensitive.

What triggered these thoughts about self reflection was a conversation I had with my most important go-to person. I’m sure everyone has one of these, the wonderfully horrible part is, that he is always* right. (*Always could be an exaggeration, however, he does have a pretty high accuracy rate.)  My go-to person believes that what was said to me must be an underlying issue that has some truth if it had the ability to get under my skin that way. Or, the other option was that I gave into the “eating of the shit” as he likes to say. Which pretty much means that I am letting myself believe what other people think about me because I figure they must be right. While he heavily said he thinks that it is a mixture of both of these, I, of course am troubled with how I should react. He suggested sitting myself down in front of a mirror and talking to myself. I think this is a little weird, particularly because I do not have the privacy to do such a thing and I have no idea where to start. 

All I know is that I better start asap.  If I’m horrible, I better start working on marvelous and fabulous instead, right?

And what about those relationships that aren’t so bad, you ask? Oh, you mean the relationships where there is love, passion and all of those great things, the only unhealthy and negative factors are your inability to get along?  To communicate?  To understand one another? I’ve come to realize that there’s nothing that you really can do.  Will a relationship like that be able to weather the storm of arguments, disagreements, and miscommunications?  That decision is between you and your partner.

I see a lot of couples who on the surface seem so great together.  There is love, there is consideration and trust.  I often wonder how they do it. I wonder what goes on behind closed doors.  I have friends who share their stories with me and it often makes me sad to hear when they are clinging by a thread in a relationship that isn’t right for them, and happy to hear when things are really going great and they are being treated the way they deserve.

How to communicate?

Men and women interpret situations differently and it is so hard to gauge what the other person is thinking. I wonder how often than not, couples are able to overcome these bumps in the road and figure eachother out.  I agree that women can be passive aggressive, some women can say elaborate things in hopes their partner is listening,  or use it as a way to have an underlying issue addressed, but what about those women who plain and simply aren’t like that?  Do men ever wonder if their partner is able to communicate on a multitude of different levels and shouldn’t always be expected or categorized as one of these ways women communicate? I mean, not all women want the same things: the house, the car, the security, the wedding and family.  Some really can be as simple as pie and just want what the wind throws them.  Women can be very open and regardless of the way they communicate with their partners, they always put their hearts on the line.  Are men as open with communication and sharing their thoughts, feelings and emotions with their partners? Or do they expect women to just back off and hang tight while they sort out their emotions? Do they expect women to be mind-readers? Does this sound familiar?  I’m sensing that both sexes may have the same complaints about eachother without realizing it.

Marriage….

Is marriage used as a breaking point in a relationship, when both parties are feeling the need to “shit or get off the pot”?  What if you don’t want to take that “shit”?  What if you don’t mind sitting on the pot for a little or longer while?  Is marriage then being used as a way of saving a relationship, or is the want and committment to one another really genuine?  I believe this is when you are able to determine if you want to throw in the towel.  If there is pressure, or an ounce of uncertainty in your mind, HELLO: THERE’S YOUR SIGN!

Men and women can only take so much in relationships.  Some relationships are probably easier to get out of because they are unhealthy, or an understanding between both parties is reached and separation can be amicable.  Then, there is the relationship like the one I mentioned above, where everything has the ability to be fine and dandy and certain instances make the relationship not quite what they should.  What would you say to people in those situations?  There is love, there is want, a need to be together, but you just can’t make it right. Will it ever be right? Should you sit around, day by day, and wait for that morning when you can walk away and not look back? Or do you put your pride aside and try to make it work?  

What if it a reocurring issue that just drives you out of your skin? My only advice is to talk it out.  If it has gotten to the point of no return, I think the answer is plain and simple.  Your partner should respect the fact that they have done something irreversible and you both would be better off with other people.  It’s hard to say it, I know.  It’s hard to feel it, I know.  But only you can weigh the pros and cons.  Only you can determine the outcome.  Remember the saying forgive and forget? Well this is the perfect virtue for this situation.  Forgive the person and love them anyway, or forget the good things and move on.  Life is what you make of it.  Spend it with the people you care about and the ones worth having in your life.  If you don’t have that with the current people in your life, I suggest you try to find them elsewhere.

xoxo, V

Initially my interest about this whole celibacy until marriage thing was a joke, until my fiancé and I started really discussing whether or not the idea was in fact romantic and/or somewhat original.  (I’m not taking credit for this crazy idea, by any means. I mean come on, this has graced the covers of Cosmo practically every fall!) 

Spending the rest of your life with someone and entertaining the idea of FOREVER is a very big display of ones affection, love, care, and commitment but what about that one other very special gift that you guys *probably* (I don’t want to be presumptuous) already share?

Is it a good idea to practice celibacy before committing yourself to one another? Let me talk about the pros and cons of this…

Pros:

• You are practicing self-control.
• The anticipation will make the love making on wedding night awesome.
• The idea of regaining some part of your virginity to share it with the person you are going to marry is actually romantic.

Cons:

• No sex!
• No sex!
• No sex!

Now after discussing these pros and cons, ultimately the decision is still up to you.  But keep in mind that the idea of romance is not dead.  It’s ok for couples to put their quirky little minds together and come up with something special; that one thing that neither of you has shared with another person. Create something together that is your own.

In my personal case and experience, we teeter-totted back and forth between whether or not this is something that we are going to take serious, something that we both can actually commit to, and whether or not that is the one thing that we will make our own.  K actually thought it was quite cute and a sweet idea and I think so too but all I could keep thinking about was, “how long are we talking here?” I can’t help but want to do everything possible to show my love and commitment to him and wish I could erase some of my past to just include him but realistically I can’t.  I guess my best in this case would be for him to just know that some of my feelings are beyond words and expression. 

I mean seriously? Would you give up sex for a while with the one person you care about just to anticipate having sex with them again in a couple of weeks, months, etc? It just sounds absolutely absurd!

There are a lot of fathers out there that might not be getting the recognition and appreciation they deserve.  

I know a person who is an excellent father to a child who is not biologically his.  He loves, cares, supports (financially and emotionally) this child and protects and defends him when needed.  He has been a consistent figure and always focuses on the best interest of the child. This little boy thinks the world of this daddy, sang him a song, made him a present and calls him “Dad”, yet only 3 people actually congratulated this man with a “Happy Father’s Day”.

What really makes someone a father? A mother? A participatory parent?  A role model?

Should someone’s value be acknowledged based solely on recognition?

Will these parents only experience self-gratification, not social-recognition?

None of this probably matters, really. That child is the only one who matters. What he thinks, he feels and he is capable of expressing. That child made that man a “Real Father” on Father’s Day.

My boyfriend is also a freelance writer and we got tickets to see a band play at a pretty trendy “scene” bar in our area.  We were in the pit watching an opening act, when all of a sudden I see a feminine looking hand reach over and touch my boyfriends face. (Now, I’m sure you can understand the strong sense of emotion that took over my body.) However, to my surprise it was not a woman’s hand, but a MAN’S!!! Yes, people, catch your breath. So of course, “K” tells the little Asian man who is wearing a dress, “Yo, you can’t touch me like that”. Now, you would think that this person who has just invaded someone’s personal space would bow out gracefully and apologize, but NO, OF COURSE NOT, he proceeds to lean in and give “K” a hug.  Not just a plain, one armed hug, but a two arm, eyes closed hug. At this point, my blood is boiling and I step in and tell him to plain and simply, “Get the fuck off my boyfriend!” I get called a bitch…blah, blah, soo stereotypical, especially from a femme-homosexual.

Anyway, so now that you know the story, let me tell you what really chaps my ass…

Throughout the night we occasionally ran into this person and his fag hags who proceed to keep calling me a bitch and calling us homophobes.

Umm, can you tell me what is wrong with this picture???

Your friend uninvited and unexpectedly violated my boyfriend by touching him, even after he expressed discomfort and dislike, but we are the bitchy homophobes? After the night was over, my boyfriend and I discussed it further and realized that had “K” reacted more aggressively, this could have been perceived as discriminative and/or as a hate crime. If “K” had physically pushed this male away for touching him, would it be just considering the other male touched him first? Should “K” have had to restrain himself based on this male’s sexual orientation?  Isn’t this a horrible double-standard?

Why are we expected to protect ourselves, be respectful of others and be politically correct but the rule doesn’t apply to everyone? What about the limits that this person chose to exceed? What are his consequences?

Is it possible to treat everyone equally, when consequences are not set across the board? Should we endure the struggle of socially-enforced special treatment?

Why have I ended my last two blogs with open-ended questions?

Miscommunication….

Is probably the number one reason why couples fight. I can’t quote any statistics but I can tell you that this is pretty much what it comes down to. When will opposite sexes ever be able to understand eachother? When I am silent and you ask me what is wrong, does it have to mean that I am upset? It could mean that I am picking my battles carefully and deciding whether or not this is worth the time and effort. When I say time and effort, don’t get me wrong, what I’m referring to is the time and effort that you each will spend being upset with eachother instead of spending the time loving eachother. Would you rather sleep in separate rooms or go to bed snuggled close to the one you love?

I often wonder if a code word would be helpful? Kind of like a way to defuse the situation and/or ask your partner if they really want to press the issue?

What do you think? Do any of you utilize this type de-escalation technique? Does it work? What has worked for you?

Ladies and Gents…Welcome to FROMVEE2YOU!

This is intended to be an interactive blog/forum where both sexes can dish, vent, gush, brag, and bitch about Relationships (or lack thereof), Friendships, Crazy-Exes, Break-Ups, Work Stresses, that “Time of the Month”…you get the picture.

Let me start by introducing myself: My name is Vee, (well not completely, but that is what you can call me).  I’m a  girl in my mid-twenties who often finds herself bitching. (I mean, everyone has something to bitch about, right?) I have an awesome fiance, who when we first started dating came along with a crazy-ex, better known as “Crazy D” or “The Crazy One”, (go ahead, chuckle, I know you’ve had one of these too); I am working a job that I once loved but have recently lost respect for; I go crazy once a month for about a week (ladies know what I’m talking about); I have good days and bad days, I feel encouraged then discouraged, strong then weak….

To counteract that though, I have an amazing Uncle who will put my ass into place and make any negative situation a positive. Seriously, I could have a bird crap on my head and he would probably tell me to be thankful because there’s  nutrients in the bird crap that will help my hair with its frizz! In his words, “Everything is organic”, well that’s a little too organic for me! I have awesome girlfriends in multiple area codes who are always there for me. I feel so lucky to have such a diverse group of beautiful, talented, educated, and classy friends. Oh, but don’t let me forget the most important little being in my life, my son. He’s something to be grateful for. I’d take bird crap on the head any day for that little guy!

I guess what I’m getting at is that, I want to be your internet-based shoulder. I want you to be able to come to me and to every other girl who 9 out of 10 times has been where you have been and let us be here for you. Let’s work it out together. I know right now I’m merely writing this to myself, but trust me just chatting this out relieves some tension. And we all must remember that stress equals wrinkles and I’m avoiding those at all costs.

Also, I want you to come here to tell me/us the beautiful, great, encouraging things that have happened to you and make your life so much better/easier/stressfree.  Talk about your love, lost love, friends, children, crazy-exes, your amazing or crappy job, epiphany’s, your BFF’s, your uncle, your hot new haircut, ANYTHING.

It’s nice to meet you, hope to talk to you soon.

XOXO,

VEE